I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
