Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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