Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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