she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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