you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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