The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
