the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
