Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
