You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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