i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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