You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
