Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
