I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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