No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
