Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
