I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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