I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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