Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
