Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
