apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
