; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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