my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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