Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
