Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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