Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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