cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I skipped work to stalk him.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
