I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
