Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
