yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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