You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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