my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
