I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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