i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
