I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
