Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
