I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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