Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
