You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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