Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
