my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
