You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.