A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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