remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the day after is always just damage control
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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