He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
