My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
