I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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