You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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