I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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