I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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