Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
should my penis look like a turkey
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
