The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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