Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
