So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
