My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
